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It takes a lot of time for us to get over a divorce. The most important thing is the way you face it. The pain of divorce never goes away if you just let yourself stay in that pit of despair. Read this article of BestLifeTips to have a deeper look at this issue.
Why the pain of divorce never goes away?
Divorce is hard no matter what the reason is. Emotions like anger, hurt, confusion, depression, and self-blame may follow you after the divorce. It may last for weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes, it feels like the pain of divorce never goes away at all.
Then why the pain of divorce never goes away? The reasons may include:
You lost someone once loved or still love
The first reason why the pain of divorce never goes away is losing someone you love. You might still love them after the divorce. This is a grieving process that’s similar to what we experience when a loved one dies.
“It’s normal and healthy to relive both good and bad moments in time when you were married. It’s an unavoidable part of the grief process,” says licensed therapist Susan Pease Gadoua.
You’ve lost an intact family
If we have children, we all work hard at maintaining a great intact family. There is emotional pain when we have to let our intact family go.
Children are those who have to suffer the most. We have to focus on doing what is in the best interest of our children.
You lost the chance to make dreams for the future come true
Divorce naturally takes away any dreams and expectations the two of you shared. You have to learn how to build a brand new life that doesn’t include your ex. This is why the pain of divorce never goes away. You’ll find it hard to moving forward.
You feel shame for failing in a marriage
It’s normal to have a feeling of failure. You can feel vulnerable and shame when admitting to yourselves that you’ve made mistakes. Many of us still experience tremendous shame and embarrassment facing family members, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances.
Can divorce kill you?
Unfortunately, if the pain of divorce never goes away, it’ll lead to health problems.
According to a report by the psych professor David Sbarra of the University of Arizona, divorce was found to be as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or other unhealthy lifestyles such as drinking heavily, being overweight or not getting enough exercise.
Other research in this study also shows that 3/4 of divorced individuals remarry. Many divorce adults end up living a happy life. And about 10% of divorced adults have a hard time adjusting and have problems in other areas.
He also found that divorced men have a 31% increased risk for early death than married men, while divorced women have only an 18% increased death risk.
So, it’s really dangerous if you don’t know how to get over the pain of divorce never goes away.
What is the hardest part of divorce?
After signing the papers, you may think that the hardest part of divorce is the beginning after divorce, when you have to get used to parenting alone, sleeping alone, and having a quiet house on the weekends.
But actually, the hardest part is the pain of divorce never goes away. The grief, guilt, shame, and sadness after divorce attack you slowly and deeply after a while.
You’ll miss your ex whenever doing something you used to do together. You still remember your anniversary and what your wedding day was like. You still wish for the happy times.
Stages of divorce for a woman
There are two processes in divorce: the legal process and the emotional process. The emotional process has 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Denial comes from being incapable of processing what’s happening. There’s just too much to take in at once. Denying that one is facing the end of their marriage is a common coping mechanism as leavers numb all emotions to survive the situation.
Anger is caused by being lied to, betrayed, rejected, deceived, misunderstood, or abandoned. You may feel angry with yourself because of the divorce.
Bargaining is a stage where people usually try to salvage the former relationship or pinpoint exactly what went wrong. If there is a chance, the relationship can be saved. However, this is not guaranteed and most divorces still proceed.
Most people will experience some level of depression. Depression comes from sadness, grief, and loneliness. Sometimes people get stuck in depression. For them, the pain of divorce never goes away.
Acceptance takes you a lot of time. Eventually, you accept everything and you know you’re going to be alright. You accept that your life will move forward without your former partner. And your life will become much more better.
How long does it take for a woman to get over a divorce?
There is no accurate answer to how long it takes to get over a divorce. It depends on different factors. They may include:
- How long you were together
- The state of the relationship
- How committed were you to your relationship
- Having children or not
- Your personality
- Different races, age groups, genders, and income brackets, ect
All these factors will affect the way you see your divorce as well as the way you deal with it.
According to the therapists, it takes 1 year for every 5-7 years of marriage for you to fully get over a divorce and move on, on average. However, there are several things that impact your emotional recovery, making healing happen faster or slower.
How to get over the pain of divorce never goes away?
For those who feel that the pain of divorce never goes away, it may be hard to get over it. Let’s see whether these tips can help you deal with it.
Acknowledge feelings and mourn
Face yourself, face your own feelings. Accept the truth and give yourself permission and time to grieve.
Recognize what’s done is done
Let the past be the past. You might not want this, you might try your best to prevent this, but the truth is that you have divorced with your ex. It’s your choice to stay in this pit of despair or let it go and move on.
Ask for help to move forward
Sometimes we will feel like the pain of divorce never goes away. It’ll stick with us for the rest of our lives. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can talk to your family, your closed friends, or even see a therapist to help you get over this more easily.
You can also make friends with people who have the same circumstance as yours to share your feelings and experiences together.
Take care of yourself more
The most important thing you need to do after a divorce is to take good care of yourself. Don’t let the pain gradually kill you. Do the basic things you need to do to stay healthy physically. Remember, you can do things that make you feel better. So do what you love. Or you can start a new hobby and focus on it.
When we think positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts, we attract more positive things in our lives. Try to think about the problem in a positive way. This is the most important way to help you get over a divorce.
How to survive divorce?
Take care of yourself
Get plenty of sleep, eat plenty of healthy food, exercise regularly, and try to have plenty of time to rest. You’ll need time to grieve over your lost marriage, and to move on.
Surround yourself with family and friends
Surround yourself with your loved ones. Allow them to buoy you up with their positive energy and love. It’ll make you feel that you’re not alone.
You are human! You’ll make mistakes! So be kind to yourself. Accept that this marriage is over. It’s done. And it’s time to move forward. Quit beating yourself up about what you cannot save.
Forgive your ex
Learning how to forgive is a way to let thing go and help you find your inner peace. Find a way to forgive your ex. It doesn’t mean you have to like them or trust them again.
Do what you love
Try out something you’ve always wanted to do. Continue pursuing your dream or you can start a new hobby and stay focus to it. This will give you the positive energy to move on.
Go see a counselor
If you have so much depression, and cannot find a way out of it, go see a counselor or a therapist. Tell them what you feel and what you are suffering. Be opened and let them help you.
Facing a divorce is hard. The pain of divorce never goes away if you don’t know how to get over it. Give yourself time and live on with a positive attitude. Come back to BestLifeTips for more information.