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If you looking for a way to create healthy boundaries with your ex spouses, don’t miss this article. BestLifeTips will share with you some tips on setting boundaries with ex spouses and related problems that you may care about.
Reasons for setting boundaries with ex spouses?
If you think you and your ex don’t need to set boundaries, then you are wrong. Setting boundaries is important for any relationship, especially one that’s just ended.
Setting boundaries with ex spouses when you had unhealthy marriage and you want to forget all the pains. Or if you are dating a new one or about to get married, you’ll need to set boundaries with your ex, too.
Another reason for setting boundaries with ex spouses is that your ex is a meddling or controlling person who interferes in your life even after the divorce.
Establishing healthy boundaries with an ex gives you both space to grieve the loss of the relationship, and space so that you can also move forward and start to date other people.
Boundaries are there to help the two of you navigate the breakup and whatever remaining relationship you want to have.
Setting boundaries with ex spouses
Sometimes, setting boundaries with ex spouses is necessary for you to move on. Here are some tips on setting boundaries with ex spouses that may help you in your situation.
Setting boundaries with ex spouses for parenting as a divorced couple
Honoring the parenting plan is the key to success in co-parenting after divorce. Although you’re not husband and wife anymore, you need to take responsibilities for your children as well as make them feel happy and grow up in parenting love.
You may not want to meet your ex regularly, so you can facilitate your communication about parenting on an as needed basis via phone call and mail delivery. When you have a sports game or school activity that doesn’t fit within the parenting plan boundaries, sometimes, you need to be flexible to the needs of their children.
As you move forward with parenting post-divorce, don’t feel pressure to get everything right the first time. Be flexible and use the surrounding support to help build a system that meets the needs of your family.
Setting boundaries with ex spouses when you start dating or get married
The chance of divorce in a second marriage is higher than the first. Many couples still interact with each other as they did when they were married after their divorce. This makes it hard to get over resentments, emotional patterns, and anger.
If this continues, it will negatively impact any subsequent relationships you form with a new partner, your children, and stepchildren. So, what is the best way for setting boundaries with ex spouses when you start dating or getting married?
You should be open with your new partner about your ex-spouse early in the relationship. If you have no children and are serious about your new relationship, try to cut as many ties as possible with your ex to give your new relationship a fresh start.
If you and your ex had children, your new partner should be informed as soon as possible. A long-term partner needs to be prepared to navigate parenting with a third party added to the mix. They need to be committed to helping you to maintain peace between yourself and your ex-spouse for your children and for yourself.
How to set healthy boundaries with your ex spouses?
Give yourself time and seek for help
We all need a little time to heal after a breakup. You can confide in your best friends and ask them for advice.
Or you can go to see a therapist or discuss the grief of this relationship through therapy. This could be a great solution to grieve as well as process what went wrong and what went right with that relationship, so you don’t make the same mistakes in the future.
Talk to your ex about the boundaries
When the time feels right, you should talk to your ex about the boundaries you want to set, and they should be able to discuss it with you, too. Your opinions and ideas might different from each other, and that’s OK. Focus on compromising in a way that is beneficial, easy, and works for both of you.
Focus on co-parenting
If you and your ex are co-parenting children, set boundaries by focusing on your relationship as co-parents only. Ron Deal, a marriage and family therapist, suggests setting up a regular meeting in which you discuss the kids and your parenting strategies, and redirecting the conversation back to parenting if the other one tries to bring up other subjects. Don’t give in to manipulation!
Set some ground rules
- Communicate with your ex via email/or brief phone calls.
- Speak to one another in respectful ways.
- Keep your conversations highly impersonal and to the point.
- Stay out of each other’s lives.
- Don’t look to your ex for advice or support.
- Be careful of maintaining relationships with your ex’s family.
- You are not a husband/wife anymore and do not exhibit any behavior that mimics that role.
Perhaps in the near future, you can cut all the psychological ties to your ex that held you back from creating a new life for yourself. What’s done is done and what is past is past. Let go of anything that does not serve you well.
You will be successful in healing yourself and moving on if you have adopted rules and created an environment that keeps you physically and mentally separate from your ex. Don’t squander your time and effort on your ex after divorce.
How often should you and your ex spouses talk?
After setting boundaries with ex spouses, how often should you and him/her talk? It would be best not to see each other once the relationship is officially over and not speak to each other at all. After some time, if you are comfortable with it, it can be helpful to communicate as needed.
If you have children, it’s hard not to meet and communicate with each other. So just simply focus on your children and parenting things.
I’d be great if you two can become friends, but you don’t have to see each other after divorce unless you have children or ongoing financial ties with your ex spouses.
What to do if you are setting healthy boundaries, but your ex spouse is not?
Setting boundaries with ex spouses is hard sometimes. First of all, be clear with your ex about your boundaries as well as how you intend to communicate with them. And you need to listen to him, too. You both may need some time to adjust to new boundaries. If your spouse communicates something that is outside of the boundaries, remind them of the boundaries and do not continue the conversation.
After a while, if your ex is still not compliant with your boundary requests, you may need a third party to help resolve the issue. In some cases, legal mediation is available to help establish an agreement between the two of you. If the problem cannot be solved, a court action may be necessary.
Sometimes, the problem may be from you, since it can be difficult to see our way out of our own mess. If someone you trust suggests to you that your boundaries with your ex are not the best. Seriously consider what they said.
You can block your ex if necessary. If the other person isn’t respecting the boundaries that you’re setting, blocking them and taking more time for yourself might be a good next step.
Setting boundaries with ex in-laws
Aside from setting boundaries with ex spouses, you also need to set boundaries with ex in-laws. Whether you love them or hate them, you need to set boundaries with ex in-laws. Chad Buck, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Vanderbilt University, suggests that setting boundaries can be a healthy and necessary goal for everyone.
- Take your needs and those of others into consideration.
- Be clear and easy to understand.
- Give you more time and more clarity.
Set clear limits on what you will and will not tolerate with your in-laws. If you love them, you should still set clear boundaries, since you don’t want to invade your ex’s privacy or remain overly attached to a toxic relationship that you fought hard to get out of.
How to get your partner to set boundaries with his ex wife?
In many situations, people are annoyed by their partner’s meddling ex spouses. She calls too much; she comes to the house without being invited; she tries to control their lives and so on. So how to get your partner to set boundaries with his ex?
Avoid emotional conversations
When stepmoms feel like their boundaries have been crossed, they have an emotional reaction to their partner, which ultimately leads to an argument. This will make the matters worse.
Do your best to table the issue, especially if the conversation isn’t going well. Try to calm down and then come back to the conversation with cool heads.
Explain what you feel and why
You need to explain what bothers you, why it bothers you, and how it makes you feel. Then suggest that he should set boundaries with his ex wife.
Listen to him
If you want him to respect your position, you need to offer him the same courtesy. So hear him out.
Plan what you’ll do if these boundaries are crossed
The best way to set boundaries is to get clear on them. Talk about how you have reacted to these situations in the past and share why it is or is not working for you anymore.
Be patient with your partner
This will be a process. It’s not going to be solved in one conversation. Old habits die hard. So you need to be patient for things to change.
Consider what’s the best for the kids
Remember, when implementing new boundaries, always bring it back to the kids. Kids are the ones who end up suffering. Sometimes it’s about showing the kids that they can depend on you no matter what.
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Setting boundaries with ex spouses is necessary and good for everyone. It just matters in the way you do it. Hope that this article of BestLifeTips can help you set boundaries with your ex spouses and your ex in-laws.